


Call it madness

by Bunnybunkins



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 21:58:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18019217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunnybunkins/pseuds/Bunnybunkins





	Call it madness

Madness. I needed madness and I needed to submerge myself in the ache of it, the spinning world. 

I needed it. When you were the anchor that pulled me to earth, tied me to meaning and joy. You could never be that as it could never be you.

It would be easier, less painful to say she was there and you were not but that would not be truth. 

She was there and you were not yet it would have happened regardless at some ungated time. It may have wore a different face and smile, her eyes may not have shone but it would have been, it will always have been. 

I needed madness, she was. There was no after, she required nothing but the thrill of me. The taste, the darkness of me.  
She did it, she knew yet my love so did I. 

Does it mean I love you less? Does it make I wanted her more?  
No for those words are for the love lulled, the childish wishes of the youth. 

I love you. It's simple. We have never needed greeting card gushes.  
I do not dull this, I do not dull or misplace your feelings. I do not simply suggest you feel nothing. 

For there is a part of me that feels no joy, that part is not you. Yet that part is part of me. 

I can not regret and I can not oath it will never be again.  
I can with conviction say this is me. 

I must as I did. I must take what I did, I must accept it. 

We can never foretell when our fortunes will turn or when the story will change. Sometimes we see eachother through fresh eyes and there’s no joy at all. We see what was concealed and what is shameful. We see what is true. And nothing familiar remains. 

Understand this is who I am. This is how it folds with me, now. 

You remain, you remain in all that is good and true and familiar. 

Yet my truth, the path I walk and the paths I burn are mad. Maddening and yet I must. I can not hide nor quieten them. 

I can not be what your joy offers, what your heart sings and my darling, what your love brings. 

I am shamed, I am shame and yet I will lose myself if I do not surrender. We know life is not simple, it is not fixed purely by wishing so. 

We must go down the rabbit hole, we must burn in order to be put out. 

Know it is not you or her. Know it is not. You are the flip of a coin, the joy and madness of my soul. 

It seems callous, my words seem without depth yet this is not you. If I shall paint a picture of what I can not be, how shall that help?  
If I shall dull my love for you, buck to the hollow of surpassing them, will it help?  
My darling I can not protect your heart, I can not cover it from who I am. 

All I can offer it is the truth. Of who I am and for it to know mine did not seek it to crash it. We both know, we both feel what is and what was, what could. 

My darling Bernie, do what is right, for you. Take all of you and allow yourself, allow yourself to breath, allow that, and know you are loved, know even though it is not pretty. Know I love you.


End file.
